The Real Me
by CHAx2
Summary: Heero has always been a secretive guy. He knows only to accomplish his mission. But what did he really want to do with his life if he had never been obligated to the war.
1. Chapter One: Self Destruction

Title: The Real Me  
Author: CHAx2  
Rated: PG  
Written: April 2002  
E-Mail: animeniacx2713@yahoo.com  
Website: http://www.geocities.com/animeniacx2713  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  


*Okay, well this is a Gundam Wing story... the narrator would be Heero. And, if you haven't figured it out, it's about him. I'll try to explain it without giving the story away. Well, Heero has always been the tough guy without any feeling... actually, him and Trowa are (or to me they are). But this story is what could be going on that we don't know about. This has no yoai, aight, so deal with it.

*Disclaimer: I am disclaiming. Disclaim, disclaim, disclaim. Dis claim I have on Gundam Wing is false. But dat claim I have on Gundam X is true. Am I making any sense to you?

  
  


Chapter One: Self Destruction

'This is it,' I thought to myself as I shot all the enemy mechas around me. 'I've finally won. Mission accomplished.' And as those words echoed in my mind, I shot the last enemy mecha and it exploded into a fiery ball. I didn't even hesitate to make my next move. I reached down for the switch in my Gundam marked 'Self Destruction.' The next moments became blank in my mind.

  


'It's so bright,' I thought as I opened my eyes. 'Where am I?' I was in a room with antique-type decorations and there was a lady that parted the white curtains with gold flower designs on them, letting the sun shine through the clear window. 'The sun... I'm not on a colony. I'm on earth... but how did I get here?'

"Son, get up. You're going to be late for school. Relena is already outside waiting for you," the lady said, apparently, to me.

'Son? Was this my mother? Was I dead? Or was I dreaming?'

She came over to me. "Up, out of bed," she said as she gently pushed at me to get off the bed. As soon as I got up, she began to fix the bed. I stood there in confusion, but I didn't let it show on my face. "What are you just standing there for? Jeeves ironed your clothes already, so you don't have to worry about doing it yourself. It's over in your closet. I swear, Heero, if you just didn't watch those horror flicks last night, then you wouldn't have fallen asleep so late!"

I stared in wonder at her, and I guess she noticed. She stopped trying to fix up the bed and looked into my eyes in utter confusion, as much of that feeling as I had. But, I knew I was standing there too long for anyone's comfort, so I walked towards the closet and got what looked like it would be a uniform. I changed into them and walked down the stairs. The house was majestic; it seemed more like it should have been a mansion. If I wasn't careful, I would get myself lost in this labyrinth.

When I got down, there was a guy that looked like a butler that said, "Here's your lunch, sir," to me. I then guessed he was the butler, as he handed me a brown sack.

I took one more look at him before I headed out the door, which I suppose wasn't such a good idea because when I got out and turned around, the next thing that was happening was someone's lips were on my own.

She stepped back and noticed the look on my face. "What's wrong?" she asked me.

"Oh... uh... nothing. Nothing at all," I replied. My voice sounded strange to me, even though it was the same one I had been hearing. There was something different about it, though. It seemed to be in a happier tone than when I had last heard it.

She took my hand and we began to walk, which I though was a lucky break because I would have never found my way to that school by myself. 

"Isn't it such a lovely day?" she asked.

"Yes... it is," I suddenly caught myself say. It was all strange to me. Id someone had asked me that question before, I would have looked at them like they were some sort of freak. All the destruction going on in the world and they said that it was a beautiful day. But this place was so peaceful that all of those worries seemed to go away.

She suddenly stopped and looked at me. "You're so quiet, Heero. Are you sure that there's nothing wrong?"

"No. I'm just tired. I didn't get enough sleep last night," I answered. I guess she was satisfied with that because the smile flew back across her face and she started walking again.

"Do you want to go to the lake after school?" she asked.

I didn't know what to answer. I wasn't sure if that was a good idea... I had to figure out what was happening before that could be arranged. "Relena," she looked at me when I said her name, but I knew that that was it, "I'm not sure. You know... homework and everything."

Her face saddened as she nodded a little. She let go of my hand as we walked up the stairs into a huge building that was marked "Stardust High School". There were tons of kids rushing past and running to get to their classes. I realized I didn't what class I should go to as well as which locker was mine.

Relena looked at me, "Heero, please tell me what's wrong. I can't take this... this silence from you. Is it another girl? Do you have another girlfriend?"

I suddenly got the feeling that this me she knew wasn't the same me I knew. I was silent? This seemed like one of those days that I talked more than usual, and she was calling me silent?! But there was something about her that didn't make me want to lie to her... something that wouldn't let me hurt her. I knew her from before this moment as a strong-willed person that just wouldn't let me go on with my missions because she always wanted peace. Relena Peacecraft, the daughter of a pacifist and one herself.

I hesitated but I gathered up my breath to ask, "Where am I? Who am I? Who are you?"


	2. Chapter Two: Stardust Memories

Title: The Real Me  
Author: CHAx2  
Rated: PG  
Written: April 2002  
E-Mail: animeniacx2713@yahoo.com  
Website: http://www.geocities.com/animeniacx2713  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  


*I know "Stardust" is that mission in Gundam 0083, but I am using it in this story. It's not like stardust isn't a very common term. But, then again, Stardust Memory IS a Gundam 0083 song… this has nothing to do with Gundam 0083! This is just about people from Gundam Wing. Anyway, recap of the story: Heero finally presses the shiny red button that supposed to blow him up into little pieces, but, instead, he finds himself in what seems like another world. Hmm… what happens if I put Duo into this story… don't get any thoughts you nasty, dirty people! Hehe.

*Disclaimer: Eh? Gundam? Mine? Yours? Who's?

  
  


Chapter Two: Stardust Memories

Relena dug deep into my soul through my eyes while we stood there before the warning bell rang. She reached into the backpack that hung on my shoulder and took put a piece of paper. "I don't know that's wrong with you, but if you really don't know where you are…" she looked into my eyes with deep concern, "who we are, then I don't think you know your classes, either." She scribbled down names of subjects and room numbers on the paper, as well as my locker number and combination. She put her hands on mine own and said, "I'll meet you after school by your locker. We'll talk then, okay?"

I nodded my head, and she let go of my hands, walking away and leaving me clutching the paper in my palm. I looked at my schedule and noticed that I already had the books for my first two classes in my backpack. Finding the classrooms were easy enough because the first number of each three number combination was the number of the floor, and I just had to find my way after that.

I sat down in one of the seats in English seconds before the bell rang. A boy with long, braided hair behind me asked, "Where've you been?"

"Uh… I was with Relena," I answered Duo.

"Oh… her, again. Why are you always hanging out with her? You don't spend enough time with your friends anymore," he stated.

I began wondering why he had long, braided hair in the first place, but the teacher calmly said to us, "Mr. Yuy and Mr. Maxwell, this is a place of learning, not conversing… unless you have any comments about the subject at hand."

"No, sir. Sorry, sir. It won't happen again, sir" Duo said in a militaristic manner that made the entire class burst out in laughter and giggling.

The teacher then regained control of the class and continued on with his lecture. Duo whispered to me, "Hey, after school, you wanna shot some against Quatre, Wufei, and Trowa, cuz you know we can beat them 2 against 3."

Heero hesitated to answer, "I'm meeting Relena after school."

Duo snorted, "Whatever." He didn't seem all too happy, but the class ended in an hour that seemed like forever.

I headed for the next class on the list.

It was History, and the teacher looked more like he was supposed to be a basketball coach than a History teacher. This class was more decorated than the last. Instead of seeing two mechas fighting in space, I saw jets, much like a mecha, shooting at an enemy tank below. The room was filled with pictures of war, but none of them offered me any memory of my world. The walls were covered with wars of the past that had never been fought, or so I thought.

The bell rang, but I continued to look at the posters all hanging on the walls. The teacher called out to me in a gruff voice, "Mr. Yuy, please take your seat."

I pried my eyes away from the posters and sat in an empty seat. I saw no one in this class I could recognize, but I was glad it was that way.

"You're homework for tonight is to read pages 436-482 and answer all the questions on pages 483-484. The test is next Tuesday," the teacher told us all. "You may get started on your homework now."

I raised my hand into the air just as he was about to go back into his Sports Illustrated Magazine. "Yes, Mr. Yuy?"

I made sure my question didn't sound stupid, "Can a war between robots controlled by humans take place up in space?"

The whole class burst out in laughter. I knew then that it wasn't exactly the best way to put a question. "Are you trying to be funny, Mr. Yuy?" he asked me, his veins popping out of his forehead.

"No… what I mean is, have we ever fought a war up in space?"

"We haven't had a war in nearly 50 years… and what would a war be doing in space? That's not possible. There's not enough fuel to support a massive war like that."

"And the robots… controlled by humans inside… as their pilots…"

"I never knew you were such an avid comic book reader, Mr. Yuy. But, you have to draw a line between reality and fantasy, sometimes," he said, then hide his face behind the Sports Illustrated Magazine with a picture of a football player about to throw the ball.

This place was such a great mystery to me… and even more like some sort of heaven. 'No war in 50 years!' I thought to myself. 'No Gundams… no life in space,' I stared out the window for a few seconds. 'Did I kill myself when I self-destructed? I must have, this place is almost like heaven… or as close to heaven as I'll ever see.'

I looked at the clock. This class had more than a half an hour to go before it was done, so I flipped open the History book. I read about great technological advances in wars that helped one side win… one of which was an ordinary airplane that dropped bombs. I flipped a few more chapters and saw a spacecraft launching. "Sir, does anyone live in space?" I asked.

The teacher peered at me from behind a magazine. He put down his magazine and eyed me, lifting up his right eyebrow. "Son, there's one fueling station in space where some people live in… but there is no actual busy life that is lived up there. It may be possible in the future, but, as of now, we haven't gotten that far in technology."

I nodded my head, expecting as much. I went to the pages he had assigned and began to read it. I found it extremely riveting, but in a matter of moments the bell rang. I closed my book and headed out. I went straight for my locker, as written on the paper. I put in the combination and placed my English and History into the enlarged tin container. I took out my next two books: Math and Science.

Relena pushed through the crowd to get to me. "Are you feeling any better?" she asked, kissing me on the cheek.

I was so excited to tell her what I had learned. "Did you know that we haven't had a war in 50 years and that no one lives in space except for refuelers and that there are no Gundams?!" I said, all in one breath.

"What? What's a Gundam?" she asked in complete and utter confusion.

"EXACTLY!!" I scared her. "No Gundams! Life is good."

As I walked to my next class, I noticed something about myself. When I was at war, I was always alone. I _had_ to be. I couldn't let anyone get near me because I would self-destruct and then they would go emotional. I had feelings, too. I just never wanted anyone to cry for me. I kept to myself to protect others. But, in this place, there was no way I would self-destruct. This was a peaceful place, more peaceful than I had ever experienced throughout my whole life. It gave me a sense of calm.

I passed by a bulletin board and I read an ad that said, "Stardust City is hosting a fair this weekend. Buy your tickets soon!"

'So this is Stardust City,' I thought to myself. I turned away from the bulletin board and hurried to my class. When I got there, the room was silent and the work was on the black board. I finished the work 7 minutes early. The teacher of this class didn't talk throughout the whole period. She just sat on her chair submerged in a book. She had glasses on and wore her hair up. She looked gentle and strict at the same time, but I will now never find out.

The bell rang, and I headed for the Science Lab on the very first floor. I ran 4 floors down, and when I got to Science, I was all out of breath. The room was separated into 10 tables of 2, and I ended up with a familiar face. "Trowa," I started off in a happy tone. When I saw his expression, I asked, "What's wrong?"

"Catherine dumped me," he answered.

"Oh, I'm sorry," I replied. "I didn't know."

"I guess it just wasn't meant to be," he said methodically, pouring purple stuff into the boiling veil of what looked like water. Smoke came out of this concoction, but he told me it was normal. I guessed my asking questions about science was normal, too, because I had no idea what was going on and he accepted that fact. Trowa just kept pouring more stuff into the blurry purple water-now-turned light brown. I didn't know what it was for, but he sure did. He just kept on pouring.

When the bell rang, the teacher shouted, "THE BELL DOESN'T DISMISS YOU, I DISMISS YOU!!!"

She looked at all the experiments; one table had made a goop of green stuff that just wouldn't stop pouring out of their little bottle in large chunks. When she got to our table, she said, "Well done, you two. Mr. Yuy, you may actually pass this course."

I gave a faint smile and left class. I headed for my locker again and replaced the two educational books with a music book and an art portfolio. I didn't bother to look at them at that moment because it was lunch. I went out to the lunch tables, where Relena found me.

"How has it been going so far?" she asked me, wrapping her arm around mine.

"Okay. Better than I had expected, actually," I answered truthfully.

"That's good. Heero… I don't want to think something's wrong with you, but you're not yourself at all. This can't just be amnesia or anything…" she started.

"Heero!" someone shouted from a distance. I unlocked my arms from Relena's and caught the ball that was hurtling towards me. I looked up and saw Wufei, "Wanna play?"

I looked at Relena who nodded at me. I dribbled the ball as I walked towards the court. Wufei looked at me, "You and me against Trowa and Quatre. Duo says he's sitting out for the game." Wufei came close to my face and whispered, "I think he's jealous of Relena."

I shook this comment off, and the game began. At first, Wufei and I led by 9 for a while, but Trowa and Quatre soon caught up. I had never had so much fun in my life. Friends and sports were not usual to me. It was more like enemies and games that would cause you your life, but this was very different from any of those. I didn't even mind loosing.

Before the warning bell rang, I went into the bathroom and washed my hands and wiped my face from all the sweat. I guess it wasn't exactly a good choice. Someone grabbed me by the neck while I was in the bathroom and whispered, "This isn't real. Don't be fooled by what you see. The only thing that's real is your memories." The mysterious person then pushed me out the door.

I headed for my Music class without any more excitement. When I got there, the teacher was running late. I sat down and took out my music book. The slam of the door startled me and made me drop all the pages into my backpack. The short, old man told everyone, "Hurry, hurry, we're running late. Get your music out, hurry!"

I gathered all the pieces of papers that I saw had notes written on them and left the rest in my backpack. We began to play the music written, and the class played it beautifully. My own talents surprised me, as I had never played an instrument before. The various sounds meshed into one and the teacher seemed very satisfied.

I rushed to my next class, which was a floor up on the other side of the building. I hadn't been late to the class, but I was tired when I got there. I sat down on the floor, since the room had no desks. The bell rang and the teacher took attendance, which no other teacher had done. I guessed it was because the other teachers had a seating arrangement, while she had to call out names because we were sitting in any random spot.

"We're going to be doing something different today," she said in what I think was a French accent. "You don't need anything, so just push your backpacks and other things to the side. We are going to work on abstract art. And to do that, we must become abstract. Everyone, lie down on the floor and close your eyes."

She walked around the room positioning us if we were in arms reach of another person. "Breathe in, breathe out," she said. "Think of faraway places. Think of your dreams, your fantasies. Think of a better world. Be abstract, be abstract!"

I faded away in my mind. She kept talking about being abstract, but I had shut out all sound, now. My mind took me back to the place I was before. War was all around. I could see the vastness of space and explosions all around me. I could hear my breath as the adrenaline rushed through my body. I watched people die in front of my eyes as the Gundam mimicked my every move. I could hear my heart beating inside my chest.

"Okay, that's it class. You can all sit up," the teacher said.

Everybody took their time getting up. Some didn't even get up at all. "Okay, everyone, listen up. I want all of you to bring paints, not watercolors, tomorrow. We are going to start on abstract art!"

The talking became louder than her voice, but she had already gotten enough of her messag through. A few minutes after that, the bell rang and everyone rushed out of the door and to their lockers.

When I got to mine, I put the music book and the art portfolio back in and took out my History book and my English book, the only two subjects I really had homework in. I didn't notice that I had squished a piece of paper to the bottom of my bag.

Relena met me at my locker. "That smile suits you well. Better than that gloomy look you had on this morning when I first saw you," she said to me. She came closer and asked, "Have you any memory of this place? Your life?"

My smile dwindled, "You believe me, don't you?"

"Yes… of… of course," she took my hand. "Come on, let's go to the lake. It's much quieter there."

She guided me out of the school and back the way we came. But, we turned to an unmarked road a few roads before the one that led to the big mansion that I woke up in. The trees around us seemed to move in on us, and the road seemed to get narrower. She turned into the trees, and I followed.

The trees nearly covered the lake like walls, but the sun shone through enough to reflect the surface of the water onto the leaves above. She sat under a tree, and I placed my backpack down and sat next to her. We sat in silence for some moments.

"Tell me, Heero, how… the place you came from, what was it like?" she asked.

I thought for a moment, "It wasn't like this. This place is peaceful. There's no wars and there's no Gundams at all."

"What are Gundams?"

"They're machines… robots. A Gundam has a pilot who is assigned a mission. The pilot can control any movement of this robot. They're usually used to destroy our enemies."

"Destroy? You mean kill people?"

"Well… yes."

"And you were a pilot?"

"Yes."

"You… killed people?"

"Yes."

"But… why?"

"Because it was our mission. It was the only thing we were taught to do since the day we were born. It was the only thing we knew to do."

"How did you get here then?"

I thought back to when I self destructed my Gundam, and said, "I'm not sure."

"Oh, Heero," she suddenly said, throwing her arms around me. She lay her head on my chest and her eyes were closed. She tightened her grip each second. I didn't know what to do, but I put my arms around her, trying to comfort her. I didn't know what she was thinking about, or what she could have been so worried about; and she wouldn't say anything about it.

I looked up at the darkening sky. "It's getting late."

She let go of me and nodded her head. We headed back to the main road and walked towards the mansion. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and headed off down the road going left. 

As I made my way into the large house and near the stairs, a voice called out to me from a first floor room, "Hey, son, how was your day."

I turned into the room and saw a newspaper dangling with hands at each side. "It was good… uh… dad," I replied.

He fixed the position of his newspaper without revealing his face. He didn't ask me any more questions, so I headed up the stairs into the room I hade woken up in. I went straight to the desk and just relaxed. 'I have friends, a girlfriend, parents… a father and a mother. There are no wars. How can this place be so real?'

I took out the two books in my backpack I had homework in and just stared at the pages of the History book and randomly inserted words onto a piece of paper. But, after a while, I stopped writing all together. My mind was too crowded with what the day had brought that my mind ceased to function.

Finally I snapped out of my slump and looked back at my paper. I frowned at the mess I had made. I went searching through my backpack when I noticed a neatly folded piece of paper that looked like it had been squished by the two heavy books at the bottom of my backpack. I unfolded it, quickly reading through the words and gasped.


	3. Chapter Three: The Suicide Note

Title: The Real Me  
Author: CHAx2  
Rated: PG  
Written: June 2002  
E-Mail: animeniacx2713@yahoo.com  
Website: http://www.geocities.com/animeniacx2713  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  


*Hey yo, once again. Did you find the last chapter the least bit interesting? Well, maybe you did cuz you somehow ended up here. Anyway, I know that last chapter was quite dull (school is) and it left you hanging, and, Heero also seemed very out of character, but I'm gonna try to make it up in this chapter. I'm not promising that this isn't gonna leave you hanging, cuz I think it will… but I only semi-promise. And I hope that you done think that it is boring somehow (it always depends on your outlook of things). Oh, and thanks to all of you that have written a review, you really helped me write cuz I thought that no one would like this story at all. Recap: Heero is enjoying his stay in this new world, but now he has gotten hold of something he wouldn't have ever expected. What it is the title of this chapter (haha, I just gave it away), but it reveals a lot more about Heero.

*Disclaimer: "The whole Mobile Suit Gundam franchise ain't yours. Hell, you don't even own PART of it." "No, shit, Sherlock!"

  
  


Chapter Three: The Suicide Note

I made my way towards the window in my room, my temples pounding. I looked down, and grabbed onto the pipe. I was agile enough to make it down without a scratch, so I made my way to Relena's house. Everything rushed into my brain, and utter confusion enveloped my thoughts. But, in the midst of all this, I seemed to know where Relena's house was, and when I got there, I knew where her room was. I picked up a small rock and threw it at her window. I couldn't help wondering how I knew, but so many of my questions have already been left unanswered that I didn't expect this one to be answered either.

Relena opened the shutters and looked down on me. "Heero! What's wrong?" she asked.

I guess the worry on my face could be seen in the darkness. I couldn't answer her; I couldn't find the right words to say.

She stared back at me with worrying eyes and said, "Just wait there… I'll be right down."

I couldn't hear her escape her room and climb down the stairs, but in the next moment, she has opened the front door. She had a black robe on that was wrapped tightly around her body. She caressed my cheek and asked, "Heero… why are you here so late?"

I broke from her warm hand and grabbed into my pocket. I handed her the piece of paper that had started this commotion. She looked at it, reading it thoroughly in the dim lighting. When she finished, she looked up at me and shot me a strange look. "Heero… this is a suicide note. Were you planning on…"

"NO!" I interrupted her, my voice shaky. I calmed myself down, trying to swallow the lump that had formed in the back of my throat. "I didn't… I don't think I'm the one who wrote this. I just found it. But maybe… do you think that…"

She turned away, deep in thought, "Maybe a single traumatizing event led to the loss of your own memory and gave you another one. Maybe you tried to commit suicide, but you failed. Maybe while you were sitting there, dying, you were given another chance for a better life." She turned back to me and took my hand. I looked back at her, but she was staring at my left hand. She lifted up my sleeve and looked into my eyes with worry.

"What is it?" I asked, my voice still trembling. I looked down at my wrist and saw scars from what seemed like deep, long cuts. I looked back at her. "But…"

"Heero… you're sure you can't remember, right?"

I shook my head, fear in my eyes. 'Why is this happening to me? I found the life that I have always wanted… but am I suicidal like this… like my other life. My other life… did I ever have another life? Or was it all…'

Relena threw her arms around me and said, "I don't want to lose you, Heero. I love you. I don't know what's wrong with you, but we'll fix it. We'll fix it."

As she hugged me, I stared at my wrist. The cuts reminded me of the feeling of the fire brushing across every limb of my body when I had destroyed my own Gundam. I grabbed my head, my temples pounding. I crouched close to the ground, trying to make the pain stop.

"What's wrong?!" I heard Relena scream. Her voice seemed so distant.

Strange pictures kept flying across my eyes. Some I remembered from my life, some seemed so foreign. I saw myself as the stiff, unloving person I always tried to be. I was unmoving and persistent. Then I saw this other me. I was living this joyous life, I couldn't understand why this other me would try to kill himself. I saw him with his family at the table, smiling at him. They were happy when he made it onto the basketball team, they were happy just because he was there. I wanted that life. I saw him with Relena in complete bliss. I wanted to live like that. I saw his thoughts… 'I've lost everything even though they don't know it. I've lost all of them… or have they lost me?' I felt his guilt… his anger. I saw him in the room, which I had stayed, a knife in his hand. I saw him staring at his wrists, his eyes so lost and empty. Slowly, he cut his wrists.

I fell to the ground; I could feel the knife burning its name into my skin. "Heero! Heero!" I could hear Relena screaming.

'Why? Why?' I kept wondering. 'This other me… why would he kill himself? He had a perfect life. Why would he do this to me?' I couldn't understand; everything suddenly became very blurry. I could barely hear Relena voice anymore. My temple ached, my wrist was burning; I could hardly breathe anymore.

Then, I couldn't hear Relena voice at all. I heard people screaming. I heard that same voice from that school… the English teacher. I could hear him screaming, "We're going to lose this boy! Hurry, he's going into cardiac arrest!"


End file.
